A Painfully Shitty Monday Morning…

My week didn’t start off too well… 😦

To say the least, it was practically torturous!

Well, it really actually all began the night before

I make it a point of drink my dosage of Smooth Move Organic Laxative Tea once a week to stimulate peristalsis within my digestive system. *trying to sound all science-y*

However I did the stupid thing of doing it on a Sunday night. Usually I’ll have the common sense to take it on a Friday or Saturday night so I can happily shit away in the morning without any worries. 
So as usual, I couldn’t get myself out of bed in the morning. 
The mind was willing; but the body was weak. 
Very weak. Like, totally limp. Didn’t even want to move. 
I had to practically draaag myself to the washroom to shower & get ready for work. 
So I was already running late & upon leaving the house, I received little signals from my rectum… (I oddly imagine my rectum to be saying those words in the lady-robot voice)
Rectum: Poop-generating-at-a-fast-speed. In-need-of-lavatory-momentarily. 
Well, I was already running late and usually I don’t take more than 20 minutes to get to work. So I just left the house in a jiffy! 
While I was walking to the bus stop, my rectum sent more signals. 
Rectum: Warning. Capacity-reaching-maximum. Visit-to-lavatory-mandatory. 
It began to hurt a little… 
But I was already a good distance away from the house! Turning back was not an option. 
Walked on a little more… 
Rectum: Capacity-has-reached-maximum. Poop-waiting-to-be-released. 
And it hurt even more. 
Then it got to a point whereby I almost couldn’t even walk right
I was practically desperate! I almost wanted to just shit on the street like that lady in Holland Village. 
Then I saw a taxi and immediately flagged it down. 
Sitting down made it a liiiiiiiittle bit easier… but then my driver was quite unsure of my destination. 
Given my frequent work-related taxi travelling, I have concluded that about 75% of the drivers know exactly where my office is. 
And I wound up with the 25% this morning. 
Then I tried to be cool- mind over matter. I did what my yoga teacher always told me… breathe
And then I realised, the driver was friggin’ slow!! Plus the morning rush was in motion. 
It took longer to get to the office in the taxi (which I paid A LOT more for) than if I were to take the bus. 
And for those moments in the taxi, I was all… 
Then my face grew really red, I started crouching and practically moaning in pain. 
Soon enough, I actually teared from the pain. 
First time in my life I actually cried over shit. Literally. 
I swear it hurt like such a b*tch! Oh my gosh….
Let me tell you how bad it was- 
I arrived in the office building about 30 minutes late for work and I chose not to rush in & put my bag down (just to show I’m at work already), but I immediately ran for the loo! 
And once I got onto the white throne, I swear that was probably what true happiness felt like.
I hate to say it- but the pain was so massive that even till now I can feel my ass area feeling sore. Urgh. 
I NEVER will want to go through that ordeal again. 
I literally almost thought that I was going to just uncontrollably shit on the street… 
But thank the good Lord that I didn’t. 
And the taxi driver was pissing me off so bad with his slowness, I should’ve just shat in his car. 
But no… That’s beneath me. 
Exploding rectum or not- I’m CIVILISED! Roar. 
Ah well, I really hope the week gets less shitty… I doubt I’ll be able to survive another level higher. 

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