When I say love; it doesn’t limit the whole thing to merely something romantic. It can be loving a friend, a relative…
And when I say broken person; it’s a whole new level of broken. Each of us are broken in our own ways and need to be fixed somehow; but some of us are just so broken that time alone doesn’t heal us.
It just isn’t enough.
I’m not going to hide it – I’m broken. I’m fucked up. I’m a byproduct of painful loss, repulsive lust, lack of love and so on. And I end up almost every night haunted by snippets of the past that flash before my eyes no matter how hard I try to close them shut.
*In this post you might see some of “her”, “she” – it’s a simple reference to a female, no more questions.
#1: It’s Not You, It’s Really Us
Broken people have a string of broken relationships; it doesn’t take a genius to know that.
And at some point you might think that you’re not doing enough, but usually the problem lies with us. The sad truth is, your love alone isn’t enough to fix us. You don’t know where the missing pieces are, so you cannot possibly piece us back together.
Sometimes I just take a look back, scanning around and realise that there’s simply too much of a mess to bother picking anything up. Sometimes we look at ourselves and think, “I’m not just broken, I’m dead.” Shattered to such tiny bits & pieces there’s almost no evidence of our true existence anymore.
#2: We Tend To Let Go Of What We Really Want
A major cause of being broken happens because of a deeply painful loss.
We know how it feels, we saw how much devastation it caused; we would do anything within our power to ensure that it will never happen again.
So if we push you away, it’s usually because you’re too darn precious. We don’t want to form anymore emotional attachment that will destroy us, because we know that nothing is forever. People change, people die… Why hold onto something knowing that you’ll lose it one day and then throw yourself in the abyss of painful horror again? That’s just purely stupid.
#3: We Don’t Know How To Love
Honestly – we don’t. Some people think that it’s something that a human being should know naturally… but guess what, buddy? Nope.
I actually learned to express my love through TV shows. So when I care a lot for a boy, I cooked him things. Even when I got scolded later on by her for leaving the smell of food in the kitchen after cooking (I don’t know what to say to that), I still went to do it anyhow. Simply because it was the only way I knew how to show that I cared.
I remembered I wanted to cook the perfect omelette, but I’m horrible in the kitchen. I was never really allowed to do house chores because I never did them well enough; but yet I was expected it. It’s idiotically ironic. Anyhow, the omelette – I actually used up the whole dozen of eggs because I kept on making it over & over, while getting scolded at the same time for putting someone else above her.
#4: No One Knows Us
Because we’ve seen it for ourselves – the people who were supposed to care for us & know us; simply don’t. So why would anyone else?
The only ‘family’ I had left literally chucked me aside on pursuit for her own desires. Then it becomes ingrained – no one really cares. Deep down, really – no one really gives a shit.
I spent years looking at this in the face. People telling me they want to help, but they never did. Then people telling me they wished they help, but they never did. They could’ve, should’ve – but in truth, wouldn’t have.
#5: We’re Not Easy To Identify
Those who have really been broken, know how to be appear they’re fine.
Like I said – we know no one really cares. So may as well appear fine than some whiny little brat who cannot suck up to challenges of life, because that’s just how others perceive us to be anyway.
We gloss things over and most of them time even look like we are more complete than the average person. That’s how good we’ve gotten.
Part of the reason is because we know that no one will really care. Another part of the reason is because we don’t want to be any different – so we try to deceive ourselves as well.
#6: You’ll Probably Have A Better Chance At Meeting The President Than Entering Our Hearts
We’re extremely guarded.
Sometimes when you think you’ve managed to enter our lives, you better think again. Because in full honesty, sometimes you don’t mean squat to us.
We’re very selective in choosing the people we sincerely care about. As much as we are on the constant search of someone we can build something with, we don’t just give anyone the chance.
#7: But Once You’re In Our Hearts, We Love You Fiercely
Because it’s really hard for us to find people we can be at ease with; people who won’t irk at our ugly scars.
Even if we push you away, you’ll always be in our hearts.
We don’t like to hold onto things that we know can hurt us, so we prefer to just let them go. But something like that doesn’t come by easily for us – so we still hold onto fragments deep inside our hearts.
We think about those people all the time and wishing we had the courage to hold on.