Just some time back I was talking to a friend who had lost her father.
It was both easy & difficult for me. Easy because I knew somewhat what she was going through, I lost my own Daddy when I was a little one. Difficult because it tore me apart every time; while I was typing consoling messages to her, I was behind the screen weeping a river.
And no one else really understands.
Time Stops For You
Because it just seems like a very long and scary nightmare.
I’m always looking back into my past. I always revisit my collection of memories with him – simply because I miss him so much and I can never get over his death.
Maybe time stopped for me on its own – but part of me knows that I stopped it on my own. The future cannot be any good without him inside.
No Evidence Is Enough To Convince You He’s Really Gone
In my mind, he’s still alive. He’s just home late, really late.
There’s no way my daddy would leave me. He loved me more than anything in the world. He promised me that he would take care of me forever.
He didn’t see me at my kindergarten concert yet. He didn’t go ballistic at my first boyfriend yet. He didn’t scream at my grades. He didn’t video my graduation ceremony. He didn’t send me to my first job. He didn’t walk me down the aisle. He didn’t dance with me at my wedding. He didn’t get to see his grandchild.
He didn’t do all those things and more… How could he be gone?
You Might Even Begin To Hate Him For Leaving
Like, how dare he? Life isn’t so great as it is – now you have to face it alone.
I would visit him once in a while. I’d stand there and scold him for leaving me alone while crying. I’d complain about all the sufferings I went through since he was gone – and then tell him if he wasn’t gone, I’d be so much happier.
I know he didn’t want to go… but he did anyway. And I know it isn’t his fault either… but I blame him anyway.
You Start Envying Other Children With Fathers
Other fathers can do the simplest things and it was prick me a little.
Fathers driving up the school foyer to pick up their daughters. Fathers hugging & kissing their daughters goodbye. Fathers & daughters sharing a meal. Fathers smiling.
It all still hurts.
It’s been over 20 years. And it still does.
Diabolical People Take Cheap Shots At You
Really. I never expected people to be so nasty, but there really are wankers like that out there.
“Sheesh. Get over it.” Really? Do you really know what you’re talking about?
“So you’re just a girl with really bad daddy issues.” Apparently, yes. And somehow people have labelled me a ‘slut’ or ‘whore’ whenever I got happy over a boy, because I have daddy issues.
But that’s life, really.
Meh.
However everyday I count my blessings that once upon a time in my life, I had this awesome man as my daddy – and he loved me.
The hardest part of letting him go was realising that I had no other choice.
Time doesn’t really heal a wound like that – I’ll be honest. It’s really getting off your ass and moving on. It’s about living for the living, not the dead.
It’s realising that accepting his death is not an end of your love for him – rather a lease on the eternity of it. 😉
Okay, I have to stop here. Positively bawling my eyes out here. Emptied a box of good 3-ply tissues… :O
I’ll end right here with my picture of my handsome daddy! ❤
XOXO, G.
Gera Shen 