So today I turn yet another year older. 😌
And this year, for the first time in all my birthdays – I actually feel like I’ve done well for myself.
Y’see – I’ve always been hard on myself because I always think… No matter how bad things got after daddy died, no matter how much abuse and deprivation I went through in so many different areas of my life – I cannot be any worse than anyone. Daddy always told me I had to be the best, and I wanted to make his wish come true.
But daddy died when I was little. And if he watched me grow up a little more, he probably would know I hardly fit into the cookie-cut the Singaporean system has for students.
I remember writing compositions which my teachers would say it’s a wonderful story and definitely beyond my age group, but they would fail me – because it didn’t go in line with their grading scheme. And why would it? It’s completely different.
I remember solving mathematical problems differently, but got severely reprimanded for not just going by the textbook.
And I was somehow all the more determined not to excel in such a stifling environment.
So there – pretty obvious since then that I wasn’t going anywhere in school unless I went to another country probably. And everyone in Singapore knows the sort of importance placed on an academic-holding in this country. No academics? You hardly got a chance at getting ahead.
I won’t say I’m uneducated whatsoever, but definitely not as far as daddy wanted.
But hey, the dude didn’t live for as long as I wanted. So we’re even.
And for all that has happened, I think it’s a miracle that I’m even still alive. Much less not a permanent resident at a mental institute.
I have an adorable fiancé who loves me like no other, while he annoys me like no other. 💍
And we managed to provide a loving forever home for 4 (yes, omg we have four!!) cats we adopted.
🐱 🐱 🐱 🐱 And we have our own little home coming up in a couple of years!
I have a handful of amazing friends who I know I will practically grow old and senile with. Right now, there’s no need for many friends – I just need these few. ❤️
I have a great job with a super nice boss and cute teammates. I have subordinates from my previous job who remember me fondly, who send super loving messages on how they still wish I were their boss.
Of course I still have problems – but who doesn’t! Just by waking up there’s a problem of what to have for breakfast. Or whether my pee can hold while I snooze an extra 5 minutes.
I’ve never felt anything like this! It’s quite amazing how light I feel this year.
Maybe it’s this detox I did… 😕 Meh.
I’m a happier person this year. If you asked me last year, I didn’t know such a feeling existed.
To daddy: Y’know I didn’t end up to be the lawyer you hoped I’d become (partly because nanny was SUPER against it, she thinks lawyers are bad people who defend the rich & corrupt), but I’m doing great. And you don’t have to worry too much. Okay, maybe a little… because I’m an absolute bimbo sometimes. You should know. You probably face-palmed yourself so many times as you watched me from above. But if you look real close, you’ll realise I have many people looking out for me everywhere. 23 years ago, it felt like I lost my family. You don’t know real loneliness, till you enter a roomful of people who break into chatter with you – but you still only hear your own hollow breathing. And I lived like that for a long time. But gradually over the years, I found new family along the way. And life has become so much worth living for.
I’ll see you when I get there. We have so much to catch up on!
XOXO, G.
Gera Shen 