“Baby girl, first – forgive yourself.”
It’s easy when you’re an outsider to pass judgement, make entirely logical comments and expect the other person to finally see the light.
For a good full year, it was my feelings against the rest of my world. Quite literally.
My closest friends knew better; it was the first time I was so affected by a scolding that I cried uncontrollably in public.
My best friend knew better; it was like she was just holding my hand and bracing for impact.
My family knew better; they shot scarring remarks and heart-wrenching questions.
Heck, my very own mind knew better. 🙄
I had enough consistent observations and deductions after a couple of months, but still hoped for the best – like the world’s biggest fool.
It felt like I was watering a dead rose all along – and everyone else around me saw it was dead; they told me it was dead, they begged for me to wake up and accept the fact it was dead. But I still insisted that I trusted it somehow.
It was beautiful in a very disturbing manner; how I felt.
It was pure and innocent – it just came naturally and didn’t ask for much at all.
Yet it was dark and dangerous, because I knew that within all that was a likely poison that I kept within.
It was a whirlwind year and my closest friends said it was killing them to see me die bit by bit. Every single time I picked up on a sign about the truth, I cracked a little inside. Because with each sign, the rose rotted a little more – and it seemed more and more likely that my trust was foolishly placed; that my heart which was always so guarded, was actually betrayed.
So I got angry. I got mad. I got extremely disappointed. And then immensely depressed.
I didn’t like the idea of being cheated and having pursued an empty quest.
And this whole time I thought I was angry at someone else; disappointed in something else. But lately I’ve come to realise that I was actually angry and disappointed in myself all this time.
Angry and disappointed for playing the fool;
angry and disappointed for resisting those who wanted to protect me;
for staying true and loyal to something that was never mine to have at all.
That was when I realised that – first, I need to forgive myself.
And once that’s done – I’ll be happier & stronger again.
“One day, we’ll look back at this and laugh at how silly you were.”