So recently I lost a close friend…

Lately something has been bothering me more than I’d like to admit. 😕

I have a friend whom I’ve been close to for many years now – let’s call him/her Friend A. (Not even going to reveal the gender 🤫) And I’ve always regarded Friend A as someone I deeply treasured, genuinely loved and wanted to keep in my life.

However for quite a while, Friend A’s actions seemed to speak otherwise. And for that while, I was internally finding excuses for him/her – maybe because it’s hard to find treasured friendships and I didn’t want to accept the fact I’ve actually lost him/her.

But eventually over time, it somehow got easier to just say “Fuck this shit. Goodbye.” – versus “It’s okay, let’s just move on.” It wasn’t like Friend A explicitly said he/she didn’t want to continue the friendship – it was really a collection of nuances that I picked up.

You might find all of these signs I picked up rather childish; but honestly, so did I.
For the first year.

Then when it dragged out a little more – they became actual indicators that Friend A and I are no longer as close as we were.

He/she never shared pain or happiness anymore.

Y’know between close friends, it really doesn’t matter who sends who the first message or even phone call.

Heck, between some other close friends – I don’t even bother replying all the messages sometimes. But it’s okay. Sometimes they don’t reply my messages either.

Especially when I spam share those hilarious (often lame) stuff. 😛

But when it comes to sharing stuff – like,
“Hey, I need to talk.”
“Guess what happened??”
“I had suuuuch a bad day today…. 😩”

I jump right in – 100%. No questions asked. No fusses given.

In fact these messages are, to me, the most important form of communication because we’re all so busy with work and family. Those messages serve as a constant personal touchpoint that can be easily maintained by both parties.

And whenever I sent a message to Friend A to share great news or needed someone to rant to – he/she didn’t turn me away either. That’s good, right?

Here’s where it gets bad.

When it became a one-way traffic; and Friend A never came to me in the same way.

So for a while I thought to myself, “Okay, guess it’s good that life is going on peacefully for him/her!”

But then we’d still have meet-ups now and then – and I’d learn about huuuuge things that have happened and I had no inkling to. And while he/she goes on about those stories, I couldn’t help but feel a little sad that I only found out about it months later – whilst feeling silly for always going to him/her like Aunt Agony with my own shit.

And speaking of meet-ups…

We don’t meet like we used to.

Even though we were part of a group, he/she would often meet 1-on-1 because we’re just closer that way.

It would sometimes be him/her or sometimes me that’ll drop a message, “Free for dinner?”

And I’ve ever cancelled prior plans, simply because I preferred to meet Friend A after a day at work – versus whatever other plans I had. (That’s a huge thing for me. Indicator of high importance right there.)

But really, not anymore. First it got harder to meet, then it got cold – then it became weird and awkward to schedule a meeting 1-on-1 at all.

He/she doesn’t trust me anymore.

Friend A is also close to some other people – some of whom I’ve had bad feelings about. It’s just my 6th sense when it comes to judging people, and I’m hardly ever wrong.

Most people aren’t baaaad people, per se… but won’t be my first (or even hundredth) choice of being personal friends with. Simply because they’re better kept at a distance.

And he/she knew I have this good judge of character. Very often I’m spot-on about someone; sometimes it takes years for true colours to surface – but I pick up the tiniest signs here and there which I often find to be the most honest.

However when I try to give warnings about one specific person, Friend A gets angry at me for speaking ill of his/her friend and gets crazy defensive. Which just automatically made me question myself, “Then what am I?”

Our friendship no longer exists on his/her social media.

This might seem childish. And this didn’t bother me in the beginning.

Even when people asked, “Are you still friends with Friend A?? I don’t see your pictures together anymore on his/her social media account.”

To me was, social media is just a tool to maintain relationships should it need the extra boost. However if you’re already confident of your relationship, there’s absolutely no need to shout-out about it on social media.

Your actions about a relationship with someone else shouldn’t revolve around the expectations of everyone else.

However when it comes to me – it’s just who I am, I do share pictures with Friend A whenever we take them together. Because I like posting happy moments that I often like to scroll through whenever I feel like it. 😊

Then the other thing is – Friend A posted tonnes of other people, but for the past 1-2 years; there’s nothing with me in it. (Observation provided by another friend who prides him/herself as a social media stalker)

That was when it started to sting.

It doesn’t matter if you’re the sort that doesn’t like to post pictures with other people – but it matters a whole lot when he/she just doesn’t like to post pictures with you.

Social media stalker friend even diabolically pulled out his/her mobile and did scrolls to show, “Babe, Friend A clearly doesn’t want you anymore in his/her life. Same can’t be said about these other people though.”

“Find it a little weird that he/she shares about these other people so much, but you’re nowhere to be seen.”

I remember I was sipping on some Starbucks when I was shown that. Apparently I did my usual pout whenever I’m not too happy about something, but wouldn’t say. Then within 5 seconds I came to a conclusion, with all the other factors in consideration, “Guess the friendship was over a long time ago, then.” 

And it’s okay.
It’s really okay.

Why?

Friend A got physical.

The other day we went out as a group and another friend teased Friend A when he/she was on the phone with the person I had a bad feeling about. And, believe it or not – Friend A angrily shoved that friend away. It was like a reflex for him/her.

I didn’t want to believe that Friend A thought so low of our friendship till I saw that action for myself. And it instantly became clear as day – Friend A was a friend no more.

Everything has a breaking point; no matter how strong. This was it for me.

So thanks for the years of friendship, Friend A.

They were great, thanks for them. But moving forward they won’t be required, thank you very much. 

XOXO, G.

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