That day, I felt like such a bad mum

Photo by Daria Obymaha

It was a really, really bad day. 😢

So many things around me weren’t working out – just totally beyond my control sort of things. And for quite a while now, I’ve been feeling crazy frustrated!! 😫😫

Really doesn’t help that I cannot go out for a full day with a friend to chill (because boobs will engorge), or that I cannot drink alcohol (because pumping milk)…

So, that afternoon, I reached out to my baby boy for some solace. He was being carried by my helper and I wanted to carry him, but instead he refused me and turned to hug her tightly instead. At that moment, I felt like my heart was pierced. No amount of rejection in the world ever felt as painful as when my son rejected me. 💔

Then later on that day while he was getting ready for me, I attempted to kiss him goodnight – but he turned away from me. And inside, I just broke. My helper clearly felt bad for me and tried carrying him to me, but (and I hate myself for this) I actually rejected my own son. I said, “No, my son doesn’t love me.” And I turned my back and left his bedroom to cry alone and get angry at everything & anything.

Not that I’m finding excuses for myself – but it’s really an accumulation of a lot of stress, exhaustion and frustration. What I did was f**ked up. ☹️ Yes, Gera, you really screwed up there.

Y’see, first and foremost –

It’s not my son’s job to calm my chaos

He’s quite literally a brand new human. He’s not even 6 months just yet. I shouldn’t be having expectations of him to nurse my emotions. Sure, his smiles and laughs always make me happier than ever – but it’s not any child’s job to be happy for the sake of their parents.

My ego should never get in the way of what’s best for him

Yes, getting rejected 2x by my son in 1 day and watching him choose someone else quite literally tore my heart apart. And yes, I felt super humiliated and super guilty for choosing to be a working mummy versus a full-time mummy.

I was screaming at myself that I only have myself to blame. I chose to go back to work to earn more money for the family. I chose to focus on getting my rest. I chose not to latch but pump instead. Of course my son won’t love me as much as he loves my helper who’s always by his side.

But after I was done, I remembered –

Yes, I chose to go back to work to earn more money for the family – so he gets a more comfortable life.

Yes, I chose to focus on getting my rest – because I’m his mummy for life and I need to be healthy & strong for that.

Yes, I chose not to latch but pump milk instead – so that whenever I need to be away from him, he won’t feel abandoned whenever he gets the bottle instead.

Those were all conscious decisions I made – because I believe that’s what’s best for him. So, why should this arrangement with my helper be any different?

It’s indeed better for my child as my helper is always at home, and she truly loves my son to bits. It’s actually very comforting and endearing to me. I’m totally okay with having to leave the house for the day, knowing that she will take care of my baby for me. (Of course I will miss my baby A LOT and pester her on WhatsApp and check in on my home CCTVs lol)

When I put things into perspective (plus receiving non-hormonal/exhausted words of wisdom from a close friend), it’s actually good that David is surrounded by love. And again, that’s what I wanted.

Then I realised –

My response was that of a child that wasn’t taught to regulate her feelings

If you think about it, we’re all just giant children that have mastered our motor skills, grown health issues and learned to earn money. 😂 However, the type of childhood we had dictates the adult we become.

Because your childhood is basically your introduction to the world as you know it.

If you were rejected a lot by your parent(s), you’re likely to grow up to be an extremely insecure individual deep down and probably in need of a lot of therapy.

If you always knew you had a loving home to come back to, you’re likely to be a secure adult with no real need to do things to prove your worth to the world.

So, because of my own childhood traumas, I have developed my own response to protect myself since I was little. And that came out from me that day when I rejected my son.

It’s a trauma I’m still working on. ❤️‍🩹💛

Every time I get the slightest hint that I might be abandoned again, my trauma response is to leave the other person first – no matter how much that person actually matters to me. This results in the other person feeling like he/she actually doesn’t matter that much to me, even though he/she means a lot since I need to protect myself from his/her potential leaving. Does that make sense to you?

I became aware of this while reading up and learning how to provide a good childhood, despite my traumatic childhood of my own. So, I’m still working on this part of myself. 🤗

But all in all, the most important thing I learned from this was –

I’m not a bad mum – I’m just human

All of us are. We know that, but we oddly tend not to live like that.

We set these unrealistic expectations for ourselves; we live like we have unlimited time in our lives. When it’s human to err and each minute could well be our last.

I decided I was being too toxic to stay at home and around my loved ones. No one else should have to or could deal with your shit – you need to take care of it yourself.

So, thanks to my amazing helper (important to count your blessings even when you feel like everything is falling apart), I went out for a walk, had a yummy hot fudge sundae and just sat there quietly.

Then I came home, ready to be a happy & loving mummy all over again. 🥰👶🏻

I can most definitely expect myself to have future screw ups like this. I think all of us mummies can. We’re only human.

We still screw up being someone else’s daughter, friend, colleague, wife… and we’ve been doing those jobs for longer than we were mothers! So, we really need to cut ourselves some slack. 💛

I’m sure other mummies out there have days when you feel like you’re a bad mum, and I’m not going to tell you you’re not – because there are moments when you are a bad mum. Like what I did in that moment was definitely not good.

But there’ll also be moments when you’re a GREAT mummy, then moments when you’re just an okay mummy etc. I guess the important thing is to make sure you always strive to have those good mummy moments, and learn from those bad mummy moments.

I believe that the more you learn from those bad mummy moments, the more GREAT mummy moments you’re likely to have in future. 🤩

But being a bad mummy in that moment, doesn’t make you a bad mummy – it just means you’re human. ❤️

XOXO, G.

2 responses to “That day, I felt like such a bad mum”

  1. Nice sharing. BTW daddies also face similar dilemmas. At the end of the day there is no such thing as a perfect parent, but rather many parents doing the best they can with what they know, and continuing to learn from experience with each passing day.

    Like

    • You’re so right. Daddies also face such dilemmas and don’t seem to face as much support as mummies. 😦 Such stress can be very damaging to him as a person, father and husband.

      Liked by 1 person

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