I haven’t been healthy of late.
I should have seen it coming. I knew that I was cracking but I just didn’t want to face it.
Part of me just didn’t want to face the facts.
Part of me just felt like logically it shouldn’t affect me enough to take me down.
Part of me didn’t want to admit that I could be so affected.
…but I lost that battle.
One day halfway through work, I felt something not right stirring inside.
Before I knew it, I was breaking down and had no ability to breathe. My body just didn’t want to function.
|Fuck this shit.|
I’m not going to bore you with the details on why my body just decided to quit on me… It’s just stupid.
But basically Mark rushed down to pick me up after work before I told him I couldn’t feel my fingers. And slowly in a few more hours, I couldn’t feel my entire left arm and my hands were in a spasm position.
And before we made it to A&E, I was literally immobile. Mark had to wheelchair me in.
I could hardly breathe… I was so pale; totally lost my natural rosiness there 😦 … My entire body was in pins & needles… And to top it off, somehow it still managed to tremble.
So I sat there, watching Mark panicking a little while filling out some paperwork (he’s usually super calm) and everyone else just staring at me… And all I could think of was, “Hmm, so this is how I die? Geez, thanks, God.”
Well, I was hoping for something a little more glamorous… but hey, who am I to question the almighty?
I was crying. Terribly. Like you just stabbed all the unicorns in the world and told me that the world will NEVER have chocolates & macaroons again.
Mark said I was freaking a lot of people out.
Basically, I was…
1. Sobbing like a maniac
2. My fingers and toes were all twisted up (totally involuntary on my part)
3. I was slouching in a wheelchair
4. I didn’t really comb my hair…
And then when I was in the hands of the people-in-blue-scrubs, all I could hear was…
“Omg. Are you okay?”
Oh yes, I am! I just thought I’d drop by the A&E to say hi! So, hiiiii!! *rolls eyes*
“Miss, I need you to calm down.”
Riiiiight… Because it is something that I couldn’t have done entirely on my own, right? I came to the hospital just to have someone in blue scrubs tell me to calm down and I will automatically calm down. Right. So that’s how medical care works these days.
“Slow your breathing.”
No! The reason I’m breathing like this is because I want ALL the oxygen in the world to myself, so I shall breathe as fast as I can… ON PURPOSE!
As sickly as I was feeling, this was just playing around in my head.
“Your heart rate readings are not good… Lets try again.”
F**k you, bitch. My heart rate is definitely not good, THAT’S WHY I’M IN HOSPITAL RIGHT?!
This one got me REALLY pissed off.
And she just kept on taking my readings, telling me it won’t look good to pass to the doctor.
I was SOOOO irritated.
“Hey *wheeze* lady… *wheeze* If my readings are good… *wheeze* WHY *wheeze* will I be here?”
Then she went, “If you breathe slower, it might help.”
“*wheeze* If I could breathe slower… *wheeze* on my own… *wheeze* I wouldn’t be here… *wheeze* Would I? *wheeze* GENIUS… *wheeze*“
Now, I have met great nurses who I really appreciate and respect them for their work.
But this one… Omg.
After I saw the doctor, I was sent to observation… I was given some meds that were supposed to make me sleep, but I couldn’t sleep at all.
In fact, I still felt like I was going to die.
And I really missed Lily while I was there… 😦 She’s the only one who I can share anything and everything with without her being judgey, condescending or whatever. In fact, we always manage to find ways to make a joke out of things and have a hearty laugh out of matters.
See lah, baby! You go overseas… See what happened to me! 😦 All your fault.
Well, as of now… I’ve decided to really focus on relaxing.
I’m sorry to those who I didn’t reply calls/msgs/etc to… I just wasn’t in the right state to contact anyone that time.